“Women don’t like being told what to do.”
That’s what I heard from a young man in a recent workshop when we discussed the high expectations women face regarding likability in the workplace.
I wondered: Is he referring to the result of mansplaining?
Mansplaining: a term describing a person, most often a man, who offers information or explanations without checking whether they’re wanted or necessary, sometimes in a presumptuous or condescending manner.
‘Splaining of any kind can feel like someone’s telling you what to do, and worse, telling you what you already know. It can feel like a put-down and a total invalidation.
And yes, women don’t like it.
While it’s true that men are twice as likely to be “’splainer perpetrators,” anyone can fall into the trap of talking down to another person. And when you do, your status and influence drop—fast.
Most workplace ’splaining situations stem from a real or perceived power differential between parties. And most often, women and gender minorities are the targets.
Studies show that when men are ’splained to, they’re far less likely to take offense or attribute the behavior to gender. Women, on the other hand, often interpret it as a gender power play, questioning their competence, and thus feel an immense sense of frustration.
It’s no surprise that the workplace is the #1 setting for ’splaining—followed closely by home. The ‘good intentions’ of many serial ‘splainers do nothing to quell their maddening effects. Many defend themselves with an exasperated:
“I was just trying to help.”
🙄 Sigh
Regardless of intent, ’splaining behavior in the workplace has real costs. It poisons workplace culture and can hurt the bottom line. At home it can wreak havoc as well.
I’ve been married to a man for 34 years. He has a list of positive attributes a mile long—but try as I might, I can’t seem to help him understand what mansplaining is, or why it frustrates me so much.
A Professional Example:
Once upon a time I owned a video production company and received a call from a man who needed a job.
As I interviewed him, I learned he knew a great deal more than me, having worked on Hollywood projects for 20 years.
He was immensely talented and knowledgeable in his technical expertise.
I told him that I had concerns about his job satisfaction working on much smaller projects.
He assured me it would not be a problem for him…that he could take direction without issue.
But shortly after working together, the incessant and utterly disrespectful ‘splaining began. And it wasn’t just to me. It was to the rest of the crew, and on one occasion, directly to a client.
He simply could not resist letting everyone know how much he knew.
As you might expect, his employment was short lived. Talent can only get you so far!
We’ve all Been ‘Splainers
If you’ve ever supposed someone doesn’t know something, started to explain, then discovered you’ve presumed incorrectly, you’ve ‘splained. Most ‘splaining is done with good intentions. The problem comes when it turns into a habit. You gain a reputation as a presumptuous ‘know-it-all.’ That’s never good.
The Bottom Line
Resist the urge to ’splain. Assume the best. Approach others with genuine curiosity.
Start with “I’m curious what you already know about this.”
When in doubt, consult Kim Goodwin’s simple Mansplaining Chart—print it out, make copies, post them on walls, and generously give them to the ‘splainers in your life.
Circling Back to Where We Started:
It’s not that women don’t like being told what to do.
It’s that people don’t like being talked down to.
